Life is what happens when you make other plans...

I usually wear a bit of my heart on my sleeve, so I figured I might as well come clean with it. I've been having a really rough time with giving up my own will for His plan. Growing up Catholic, and then getting married, you agree to a certain openness about your family planning and kind of expect an oops pregnancy but secretly hope it doesn't come until you are ready. So we have been with our NFP and have loved it actually. I always thought the day we would decide to throw it all away and attempt to start a family it would just...happen. Like, immediately. Boy was I wrong. I am kind of laughing at myself because for the very reason you are open to God's plan of a child during NFP, I never realized you also have to be open to the exact opposite...for the exact same reason. We can't really make a baby on our own--God still has to create a soul. And so here I am, having a really hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I can't have what I want so dearly...and what I assumed God wanted for us. It's so troubling when you know you are called to be a mother.
Sometimes I get so sick of the lessons I need to learn...I am really having trouble right now. I go between these amazing moments of worship and complete openness and surrender, to moments of the worst sadness and anger I've felt towards God ever.
But it has taught me an incredible thing, and that is that no child should ever be taken for granted. Each is an individual miracle. At least I know that if God blesses us with a child, in my opinion, he or she will be the most loved I have ever met :) It is also making me want to have excessive amounts of children. haha

So for now, I have officially decided to chill out. No more trying, only living. It is tearing me to pieces. I can't take it anymore, and I don't want this to be a strain on our marriage. I am thankful for all the prayers and support from dear friends and hope that you continue them!
To fill the void I am trying to busy myself with things I can control. I am fighting the incredible urge to get a puppy. I am putting more energy into my nursing career. Best of all, I am finally going to start working on the house hard core...the more projects the better! Today I found a steal on a two piece wine rack that I have been eyeing for a year. I love it when that happens. Now my dear husband gets to build it for me ;) I also finally bought a rug for the living room.


Neil and I had fun trying to make a flower arrangement for the room as well. We came up with something lovely, but in the end I think I am going to return them...it's not quite right for my empty corner of the living room. Let me know what you think though. I will have to keep searching...

Kittan helped us pick out her favorite paint colors too. She cracks me up, I love my cat. Once our drywall gets fixed in November I am ready to get some colors on these walls...finally!!!